Transforming the Suffering from the Death of a Loved one


To endure life and love, one must transform suffering.

Omar Khayyam, Persian poet, wrote ‘No day is more lost to you than the day which was passed without love.

Resist the Impulse to Blame

I think it is essential for family members surviving a loved one’s suicide to resist the impulse to blame themselves or others, or even the departed loved one.  The mind will, over and over again, replay events leading to the suicide, haunted by the feeling “if only I had done something differently…”  There is no way to rewrite the story; one needs to accept things as they are.  Death is a fated event.

Believing that the spirit is indestructible, I think that one can help a loved one who has died, simply by sending love, silently and as often as one can. This is how I have transformed my son’s death and continued to keep our love connection strong.

Remembrance of your Beloved

On my son, Marco’s, second death anniversary, I stayed quiet within myself during the week and over the weekend. I reached a state of ‘remembrance’ which without specific memories, I embraced the existence of my son in my life and all of the love that I felt toward him. On Monday after the weekend, I received an email from Marco Alfonso, my deceased son’s name. His email address domain name was In the email addressed to ‘Suzanne’, my name, he simply stated that I might enjoy some photos and included a link to a server that could not be found. This was a beautiful expression of love that my son had somehow found a way to send to me. It transcended logic.

These gravestones appeared at the bottom of the steps of the chapel where my son’s memorial service was.

A Sacred Duty

I have been blessed with understandings from 40 years of spiritual practice under a spiritual teacher which have allowed me to accept my son’s death fully. I have been able to not succumb to feelings of guilt and remorse. Whenever a painful memory arises, I transform it into love and project it toward Marco. I feel it as a sacred shock and my sacred duty to use Marco’s death to its full powers.  His suicide could not have been avoided. It was an act of God and of deliverance.

Suzanne Ayer Patterson, Film Producer and Author

A Life Worth Living – Alternative Treatment for Schizophrenia Productions

2 thoughts on “Transforming the Suffering from the Death of a Loved one

  1. Touching blog Suzanne. Thanks for sharing.

    By the way, who is your spiritual teacher? It sounds like you really benefited from their wisdom.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s